It’s all in the Jeans

Have you seen a recent picture of super model Cindy Crawford and her family lately? Well I have and they are beautiful! Cindy Crawford is 43 and doesn’t look a day over 23, (we all saw her recent shaving foam pictures in Allure magazine.) She’s married to the equally good-looking, business mogul Rande Gerberher (its taking all I have to not comment on his name!) They have two young children, Presley Walker and Kaia Jordan. This family are so perfect looking I’m thinking they must have been calved out of cream cheese? I like to pretend, to make myself feel better, that they’re all really thick and they can’t string a sentence together between the four of them, but you know that’s not true. Both Randi and Cindy are successful businesspersons and you can imagine little Presley and Kaia being straight A students, Presley probably excelling in sport and Kaia’s no doubt head of the cheerleading team. However, I have to remind myself, as much as I want to, I can’t just hate them for being beautiful, after all it’s not there fault. They inherited their looks. In this case Presley and Kaia inherited high cheekbones, glossy hair, full mouths and stunning bone structure. However not everyone is that lucky. According to my mother, I inherited my dear dads forehead, thanks dad! My dad was welsh and mum brought us up with the notion that any of our faults come from “the welsh side”. So there’s my big forehead, I also got “the welsh side’s” mouth and teeth. My sister was a little more blessed inheriting my mum’s thick lips and lovely small forehead, however she got the “welsh side’s” ankles…not good. However after years of wasted insecurity about my inherited looks, I think to hell with it! You are what you inherit its time to get over it, embrace it and work with it!

I took this newfound mantra of mine to the drizzly streets of Liverpool yesterday, in an attempt to find myself a new pair of jeans. Lets just say it was single headedly the most depressing shopping day I’ve ever experienced! I got bruised, I broke a sweat, I laughed, I cried, I got myself in a mood so black not even a Lindt bunny could pull me out off!

The day began quite good, no major happenings, I’d got up, had some cornflakes, quick shower, threw some clothes onto my back and off I went into town.  My first port of call was Topshop. I buy a lot of my staples at Topshop and they do seem to have the biggest jeans collection on the high street, so I figured this was a good safe place to start.  I felt good walking in, I breathed in the Topshop air, rolled back my shoulders and headed straight over to the jeans section. However I felt a slight surge of adrenaline hit my legs on my approach, as I noticed the amount of girls rummaging through the jeans, picking out the straight leg, skinny fit, boot cut, wide leg, high waist, hipster and boyfriend jean, as if there lives depended on it. I knew, there and then, this was to be no easy feet. I’d have to fight, be ruthless, cut throat if I wanted to come out of this alive…and with a pair of new jeans! I admit I got a little carried away, pushing past pregnant woman, not moving out of the way for push chairs, snatching jeans out of the hands of my competitors. Basically, grabbing what I could in quite a frenzied manor, and eventually turning up at the changing room slightly dishevelled and with about 18 pairs of jeans under my arm. Now I’m a UK size 10, so in my hands were a mixture of size 10 and size 12 jeans. Once in the changing room I got to work, trying on the skinny fit size 12 jeans first. Yet to my complete horror, I couldn’t even get the size 12 jean past my calf! The same with the next pair, and the next pair! I thought to myself, I’ve either put on a stone since my previous visit last Tuesday or their jean sizes are all to cock (I’m going for the latter.) Suffice to say I left Topshop in quite a huff, putting behind the till only one pair of jeans (out of the 18 I’d tried on), and headed straight to All Saints. Word of advice, don’t bother. All Saints is a personal favourite of mine normally but not yesterday, they make jeans for munchkin’s, teeny tiny people that live under your floorboards…you know them, they’re called the borrowers? I spent a humiliating 45 minutes in H&M trying to fasten the waist to a pair of jeans that id broken a sweat trying to squeeze into. A fruitless 20 minutes in Oasis, in which I was reduced to tears, the jeans seemed to fit my legs however the waist area was massive? I had a disturbing half hour in urban outfitters, taking lunging to a whole new level and let’s just say, I can never return to that store again! From now on I will be shopping online when buying from there! By the end of the day I was a shell of my former self, a quivering, twittering mess and in a haze of despair I dragged my bruised size 10, arse back home jean-less and defeated.

Former Calvin Klein model Crawford (who still measures at 34-26-35) admits, “There is no secret to ageing gracefully, it’s not like finding the perfect pair jeans. It’s genetics — I was born with a good envelope — and lifestyle”… yuck! She clearly hasn’t spent two hours in a haze of tears lunging herself into a pair of skinny fit jeans in urban outfitters then!

So I have compiled a few simple rules for us mere mortals, who aren’t blessed with the “genetics” of Crawford, to follow when buying your next pair jeans and hopefully, unlike me, you will be able to purchase with ease and without feeling like you’ve just took to the front line in Afghanistan.

Rules

Measure your self – know your waist and leg length measurements before hitting the shops. Trust me, size 10 means nothing when trying jeans on.

Be aware of what jean style you want, for example, skinny fit, boot cut, and flair. Do a little research online before hand and hopefully that will enable you to narrow down your search and determine what style you want once in store.

Don’t shop for jeans in your lunch hour; you seriously need more time then that.

Hold the jean up to yourself before trying them on, look at how they fall, if the fit shape and colour suites you or not?

Buy for your body shape and not because a certain style is in fashion.

Be prepared to pay, a good pair of high quality jeans may cost.

If you pair shaped avoid pockets on the bum, if you have a muffin top steer clear of hipsters. If you’re straight up and down, then you’re a lucky bastard.

Wear clothes that are loose and easy to take off and slip back into when you’re trying on, attempting to take off a heavy outfit that involves belts, buckles and what not, will just make you more stressed.

Have a good strong solid breakfast; lord knows you’ll need the energy. Try not to cry into your hands in the changing room, and if you do, its time to go home and leave jean shopping for another day.

Shop online too - Koodos.com stocks designer fashion labels at up to 80% off, including must have designer denim labels from diesel jeans to j brand jeans. Other bargains can be found at; www.thunderbrands.com/denim, www.laredoute.co.uk/clothing/Jeans, however remember your can’t try on, so be certain of your measurements before ordering.